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National Association of Wedding Ministers

Custom Vows



Nick de la Torre/The Arizona Republic
Jill Baars, says her wedding vows to Jay Stein.
Roxanne Hawn
The Denver Post
Aug. 19, 2005 12:00 AM

Couples who venture outside the sanctuary to have their wedding can find themselves in a ceremonial abyss.

"Couples sometimes think in order to have a wedding someone just needs to show up and read the ceremony," says the Rev. Michael Woods, a Denver Christian-based nondenominational wedding minister. "That's not true."

"When they get outside that church system, a lot can go wrong," Woods adds. "It's a double-edged sword."

An estimated 29 million Americans claim no religious affiliation. Even though scholars call them "nones," it doesn't necessarily mean they are non-believers. The 2001 American Religious Identification Survey found that only 7 percent of "nones" are atheists or agnostics.

"They are very spiritual people, often very, very spiritual people, who just don't like organized religion," explains the Rev. Forrest Whitman, an independent minister.

The field of independent ministers grew significantly in the 1990s and needs oversight, according to pastor Scott Carpenter, who heads the National Association of Wedding Ministers.

"It's always been considered sort of a niche thing," he says. "We want to bring credibility to wedding ministry. Essentially, if you have a full wedding ministry, it's not just doing ceremonies for money, but marital counseling and premarital counseling and other things that help with marriage and the family.

"Otherwise, what you find is independent people, just advertising wedding ceremonies, and you get into the question, 'Is this ministry, or is it money?' "

Because church-based ministers receive a salary, they can charge less for weddings than independent ministers.

Couples likely will spend $300 to $500 for an independent minister and customized ceremony. Sometimes additional fees apply for rehearsals, counseling or extensive travel to the wedding location, Carpenter said.

The Rev. Carrie MaKenna, who also has a master's degree in counseling psychology, performs weddings as well as other ceremonies to commemorate life transitions in addition to her private counseling practice. She views her role as providing a place for "people without a church."

"Brides and grooms get to pick and choose from ceremony elements based on their interests, values and beliefs, as opposed to just getting the rote thing," she explains. "If people have an idea for a ceremony, I will research it and write it."

For example, one couple wanted rippling water as a symbol of their union. So, MaKenna had them toss ceremonial stones into the water at the lakeside wedding. Other couples have adopted the idea, sometimes using a bowl of water instead.

That kind of flexibility and personalization often appeals to brides of all ages, looking to do something different. "It's the full range," says Whitman. "I've been getting people ... in their 60s, which I love."

Woods says couples always ask for something traditional, "but when they look at the standard service, they never choose it after they see their other options."

Going the independent route also gives couples the chance to pick an officiant based on style and personality.

"Can they make the ceremony come to life?" Woods asks. "If you listen to the ceremony and the words are beautiful but the delivery falls dead, there's no enthusiasm, no passion."

According to Woods, three vendor choices can make or break a wedding: minister, caterer, DJ.

"Those three things drive the quality of the wedding day," he says. "If you get somebody who can't get your name right, who isn't a good public speaker, who is fumbling over their words, the most beautiful dress in the world and a truckload of flowers isn't going to save the day."

That's why he warns couples about choosing friends or family, ordained or not, to perform the ceremony.

"It's a process," he explains. "It's not brain surgery, but some important things have to happen. If you get a good independent minister, you will have someone to do that for you. They will really run the show."